Monday, November 19, 2012

Fight or Flight?

I have always been sensitive. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I cry without much warning or reason. I have a soft heart. My mom always allowed me to feel my feelings. She says I have always been this way. We sometimes refer to it as dramatic or a causation of my middle child syndrome.

I notice these same soft qualities in my daughter and it worries me while simultaneously filling me with great pride. I know how often I was crippled by my inability to handle a situation with a thick skin and a Teflon back. I feel like she cries more than a lot of other children. She also cares more deeply and is more in tune with others' emotions than other children seem to be.

Lily actually cares if she hurts your feelings. She and I share that quality. Lately, I have been worrying over whether the thickening of my skin is dulling the sensitive heart and loving spirit I once had. I have recently been more sharp and more ready to defend and argue a point rather than smile and allow that argument to blow over without much interaction from me.

I can't decide which is worse. Do I dial back my defensiveness and allow myself more opportunity to be hurt and sad? Or do I keep my head high and keep my shield by my side and a sword at my waist ready to strike down anyone who comes at me with contempt?

I want to keep Lily's precious darling heart pure and loving. But I want her to have the ability to speak her mind even when she feels outnumbered or under great pressure. I hope that she can have the best of both worlds. I hope she can be kind whenever possible and able to carefully and efficiently argue a point that is worth standing up for.

I know I can have both a sensitive side and a ferocious defensive side. I just want the two to be able to co-exist harmoniously. Mostly I feel like one overtakes the other and the pendulum sways back and forth. Being a role model for a young girl is a challenge and an honor. It takes constant introspection and re-evaluation of choices, words and reactions. This rings especially true when that young girl is your only daughter.

I hope that these competing sides of me can be honed and molded to fit together better. One is rather new and I feel like it is overtaking the older sweeter part. I will keep my awareness high and look to pass on only the best parts of myself to my impressionable daughter. It is a battle worth fighting to be the superlative mommy/woman I can be for her to look up to and hopefully deem worthy of emulating.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Snow and Lights

We were blessed with both this week. A light dusting of the white powder fell on our driveway and a smattering is still left on the lawn. We've got perfectly strung colored Christmas lights adorning our eaves. I prefer the opposite juxtaposition of color, as anyone who knows me will tell you. I like fresh green grass, brilliant blue skies and the shining hot yellow sun. I like my house lights white. I am old-fashioned? Do I lack creativity? I don't know. I just always thought white lights on the home were classic and beautiful. I never went for colored lights. This year marked a difference because Lily is vocal and has an opinion on almost every topic. As we were speed-shopping through Target before Finn had his obligatory meltdown caused by cart confinement, we slowed to toss in the two gigantic light reels that would perfectly string around the house. As Mark and I were discussing warm versus cool white, Lily chimed in that she loved the beautiful colors. I told her that they were nice, but we were getting white. The look on her face was not one of disappointment but of defiance and incredulity. She had literally not one moment where that even registered as a possibility.

"No, mom. Christmas lights have to be beautiful colors." she stated.

Mark's mom was with us and she said she wasn't going to say anything but since Lily had mentioned it, she liked colored lights best as well. As the turquoise light-up leopard print backpack fiasco of 2012 should have taught me, when you get Grandma and Granddarling Lily Kidwell voting on the same side, there is no countermeasure that is strong enough to sway the decision.

Mark painstakingly put up those beautiful lights with minimal assistance from me. He brought us all out and we lit them up just for the inaugural first evening. I instantly had tears spring to my eyes. They looked perfect. The twinkle and the glow was so festive and cheerful. Lily looked up at me and said, "I picked the perfect lights didn't I, Mama?"

So my preference has changed toward a more colorful glow around our happy home.

I got my mind changed as well toward a more colorful and kitschy Christmas card by my husband. My initial choice was just our professional photos on a nice slate gray stationery. Mark gave that the old thumbs down and convinced me that the classic red/green motif with pictures both professional and amateur mixed together was a much better choice and more suitable to our ramshackle little clan.

Maybe they all have it right. Those Kidwells are something else.

The mess of nonsense below should give you a preview of said Christmas card.



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