Fight or Flight?

I have always been sensitive. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I cry without much warning or reason. I have a soft heart. My mom always allowed me to feel my feelings. She says I have always been this way. We sometimes refer to it as dramatic or a causation of my middle child syndrome.

I notice these same soft qualities in my daughter and it worries me while simultaneously filling me with great pride. I know how often I was crippled by my inability to handle a situation with a thick skin and a Teflon back. I feel like she cries more than a lot of other children. She also cares more deeply and is more in tune with others' emotions than other children seem to be.

Lily actually cares if she hurts your feelings. She and I share that quality. Lately, I have been worrying over whether the thickening of my skin is dulling the sensitive heart and loving spirit I once had. I have recently been more sharp and more ready to defend and argue a point rather than smile and allow that argument to blow over without much interaction from me.

I can't decide which is worse. Do I dial back my defensiveness and allow myself more opportunity to be hurt and sad? Or do I keep my head high and keep my shield by my side and a sword at my waist ready to strike down anyone who comes at me with contempt?

I want to keep Lily's precious darling heart pure and loving. But I want her to have the ability to speak her mind even when she feels outnumbered or under great pressure. I hope that she can have the best of both worlds. I hope she can be kind whenever possible and able to carefully and efficiently argue a point that is worth standing up for.

I know I can have both a sensitive side and a ferocious defensive side. I just want the two to be able to co-exist harmoniously. Mostly I feel like one overtakes the other and the pendulum sways back and forth. Being a role model for a young girl is a challenge and an honor. It takes constant introspection and re-evaluation of choices, words and reactions. This rings especially true when that young girl is your only daughter.

I hope that these competing sides of me can be honed and molded to fit together better. One is rather new and I feel like it is overtaking the older sweeter part. I will keep my awareness high and look to pass on only the best parts of myself to my impressionable daughter. It is a battle worth fighting to be the superlative mommy/woman I can be for her to look up to and hopefully deem worthy of emulating.